Gurdjieff used to say to his followers that they did not have a soul. He meant that they had not yet developed their souls through their actions. He thought that people could create their souls by doing good deeds. I have a different view from Gurdjieff. I think that human beings do not possess a soul of their own but share a single infinite soul. And I think that there is a gap between this infinite soul that we are part of and ourselves. This gap was created when our first ancestor, Hazrat Adam, was expelled from paradise. This is a metaphor, meaning that he was separated from God, the infinite soul. Now our goal is to reconnect with the great spirit, to return to God, and to reach God.
The gap between each person and the essence, the infinite spirit, or God, varies from person to person. I believe that my gap with my soul, or the infinite soul, has been small since I was a child. I remember that I was a sensitive, aware, and clean child who did not use swear words. I can recall only two occasions in my childhood when I swore, but not from my heart, only because I was copying other children. When I was in primary school, all the children used to curse each other—their mothers and sisters. But I never did that because I knew that if I cursed, they would curse my mother too. One day, out of curiosity, I wanted to curse too. I wanted to do what the other children were doing. Even though I did not have the urge to curse, I wanted to experiment with it just because the other children were doing it. One day I confronted a boy named Bahri and cursed his mother. I was not skilled at cursing, so I stood very close to him and did not think of escaping after I did that. He slapped me hard on my left cheek and ran away. Another time, our primary school teacher took us to the school garden for a drawing lesson. I was drawing in the garden with great concentration and did not notice that the bell had rung and all the students had gone back to the classroom. I was so absorbed that when someone tapped me lightly on the head with a stick, I asked him to stop without looking up. He tapped me again. I asked him to stop; he was ruining my drawing, and he tapped me again. I got angry and told him to stop, and he tapped me faster. I cursed his mother for the second time in my life. When he tapped me again, I looked up and saw my primary school teacher staring at me. I adored my primary school teacher; he knew that I was not a child who cursed, and I did not really want to curse. I felt extremely ashamed; my face turned red. My teacher understood me; he realized that I was not a habitual curser, that I was just mimicking other children, and he did not scold me. He said, “What are you doing here?” I said, “Teacher, I’m drawing; I didn’t hear the bell.” He said, “Everyone is in the classroom; you go to the classroom,” and he pretended that I had never cursed. I will always remember this incident. These were the only two times in my life that I cursed. I never cursed again.
I know and feel that we do not have a soul at this moment and that we only attain our soul when we become enlightened. But one of the factors that makes me think that my gap with my soul is small is that even when I was very young, I did not curse in a place where everyone was cursing. My mother and father were both very cursive people. But I did not curse, and I did not want to curse. And I was very clean; my socks, trousers, shirt, t-shirt, and shoes were always neat. I remember that I put on my clothes with care and used them gently. I have loved order and cleanliness since I was a little boy. I always kept my room tidy and my belongings organized. I did not like chaos and messiness. I think this was a sign of my inner harmony and purity. All this tells me that the distance between me and my soul is short, and I feel and know that one day, God willing, I will be enlightened.
I have also been very lucky in my life. I think that God has always been with me, leading me to the best masters and enlightening the way for me. I have learned a lot from them, and I have grown as an individual. I have felt their grace and love, and I have been inspired by their wisdom. I have been blessed with many opportunities and experiences that have enriched my life and helped me bridge the gap between me and my soul. I think that God has prepared me for the final stage of my journey, the stage of enlightenment. I feel that I am ready and that I will attain it soon. I feel it.
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